fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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