My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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