You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
