the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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