I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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