Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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