Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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