Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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