you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
