at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
