just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
