Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
