my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
