i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
