Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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