On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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