Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
