Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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