i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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