Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
