I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
