I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
false alarm, still single
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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