textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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