so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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