my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
