Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
