I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
