I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
