I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
