I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
