my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
