How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
