i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
