I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
