I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
