can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
