I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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