Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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