do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just pynch a tree in the face
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
