your thong is hanging out like whoa
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
