Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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