would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
