Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
