what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
