you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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