You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
