well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
