Jerry, you need to find god
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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