the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
worst night to have a conscience
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
