I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
